(no subject)

this isn’t i need to I think some of you have been hit with an increase of memories or a clearing up of them. And I’ve been thinking about them a lot in the past few days, not in the ways that I should or like usually would because I just want to cry things lost in the fire or whatever, apparently? I don’t. I’ve been feeling out of whack and I’m just but I’m just so o I’m stuck thinking about the people. I’m often stuck

I mean about people that you know were there and are here now. I don’t How do How do you Where do you put all of that? I’m not [.....] I’ve never been as good as I need as good as I should be about letting go, about not loving people who [..................] I’m usually so good at compartmentalizing but maybe it’s because today these few days’ve been like the boss at it.

But I can’t stop seeing people I we [...] they loved in people now. People who I don’t have good feelings about. People who haven’t earned my ride or dieness or affection or anything from me. They don’t deserve it. But I want to give it to them because I remember so many things.

I don’t How do you move on from people who are right there but aren’t the people who you need to move on from? Does that make sense?

delilah needs closure. but she’s dead this thing being inside me i feel if l i can do this for her i can i don’t know what if i find her and she doesn’t God, I’m sorry. I’m not nostalgic or sentimental or anything weird like that. I’m pretty sure I’m AG-fucked up. This is not me. But I don’t know. I thought maybe you guys or like someone could relate? And that someone might need it as much as I need to figure out how to like let these memo it feels like losing them twice. Or even make peace with these memories.

Sometimes I think maybe trying to talk to them might be the way.

But I’m scared. I’m scared if they see me, they’ll see I’m nothing like her and they’ll leave they’ll pick and this’ll be just more people that [........] I can’t do this. [...........] But what’s the point if I don’t want anything from them, you know? Wow, this reads like a public rejection letter doesn’t it? Qawsdefrgthgfdsa God, I’m such a dick!

goodness, how do people do this all the fucking time!